This is now the second morning....It is taking all my energy to write this but I feel it has to be done and I'm not going to sugar coat it.
I cannot explain fully how I feel, It isn't even a case of getting a 'good night's sleep' I feel I've had every single bit of energy zapped out of me, I feel sick, I have the headache from HELL that nothing will take away, I don't know how to get comfortable, I am so tired but can't relax because of the headache. I am supposed to drink plenty but that makes me feel more sick but if I don't my kidneys will suffer the toxic effects of the chemo. Subsequently I need the loo frequently. And yes, just as I start to drop off I have to get up and go. I haven't got much of an appetite but am trying to eat simple things little and often but that just adds to the viscous circle. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I hope all the smokers out there are reading this, it makes me so angry that you all know the risks yet seem to be oblivious??????? I did nothing to get this, shame on you. If you don't care about yourselves please have some consideration for your family that could have to witness this, IT IS NOT PLEASANT! Ask Paul!
I have never felt so ill in all my life, I have got up to 4 go's at this, after the second one I will have a scan to see what's happening The results of that and how me and my body are handling things will decide on whether I get the other 2 go's. I have a 4-6 chance out of 10 of this working an d even then that is NOT a cure it's just to buy me some more time.
Those of you who know me know how positive I have been about this so far but I can honestly say at the moment I can fully understand why people would opt to stop treatment. The only thing that is keeping me going and will make me want to go the next round is the chance it will work and the fact this won't last for more than a week.
I hope I can write something more uplifting tomorrow.
I am so sorry my friend. I can't ever begin to imagine what you must be feeling like, but all I can say is that I was also very angry the last few weeks before we lost our mom to Lung cancer. She smoked heavily and once when we asked her to stop for health reasons she said "we all have to die of something ..." We watched our mom fade as she had no fight in her ... I was angry because I wanted her to fight, if not for us, then at least for her beautiful grandchildren, but she just stopped sharing things with me because I was the only one who begged.
ReplyDeleteI know all about the angry stage my friend and I respect you so much for not giving up, and I know that you will get through this. You have a gift, a gift of uplifting people and this is why so many people look up to you.
I'm praying for you my friend, and I know there are many others out there who are thinking of you.
Never give up, Stay strong, there are always people out there who need you, you are a true blessing ... to me ... and to many others,
God bless
Shirene
It is so hard to stay strong when every cell in your body is aching. It is the chemicals not the illness though and I am keeping everything crossed that this gives you the time you want so badly. Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through physically and mentally. What a nightmare and so very unfair. My mom has stage four lung cancer and on a positive note she is here 5 years and 2 months after diagnosis and doing well. So, please know that all of what you are going through is helping you get to the same place my mom is at.
ReplyDeleteMy mom did not smoke a cigarette in her life ever. I remember feeling angry and confused because she was in tip top shape. She worked out everyday ate well and was not a smoker or drinker. Once I became less angry I realized that this monster does not discriminate anyone. Smokers or non smokers. Kids or adults. It is hell. I feel sorry for smokers. They do not deserve lung cancer either. They know the risks but smoking like others is an addiction and they make that bad choice once to smoke a cigarette maybe when they are teenagers wanting to be cool but after the first time it becomes less of a choice and more of them already being addicted.
The good news for you is that now more than ever there is more research, more targeted therapy more everything. Finally Lung Cancer is being noticed.
Please hang in there. It is awful to hear your experience but many people are praying for you and sending alot of love.
Rosetta