The reality of living with Lung Cancer

This post may seem a little different from my usual 'upbeat' posts but I assure you I am still as positive as ever.

Paul and I visited the Penny Brohn Cancer Center last week as I thought I need to put myself in the best place I can to cope with IV chemo and the battle ahead of me. As you can imagine most of the stuff I already know, I just needed reminding how important things like diet and exercise are. The new things we 'learned' were meditation and visualisation although I don't think it's really 'me' if it helps I'll give it a go. One new thing I did learn is that it's not just being positive that the real survivors have in common. The people who do 'best' are people who can display the whole range of emotions.

This is one thing I haven't been doing and I have to say it scared me. I feel 'flat' I don't feel that physical pang of excitement, that physical feeling of fear, I don't feel anything. I'm not depressed and am still hopeful but I feel flat. I don't seem to be able to feel any other way, I think it's a way of blocking out all the emotions I can't bear to feel.

With all this in mind I have decided I must talk about the things I don't want to talk about, get these things off my chest. How do I do this without upsetting the people who love me, the people who want me to be strong and keep fighting? I don't know. I thought perhaps should just write it down so here go's.......

I'm watching ITV's 'This Morning' they are talking about this seasons make up trends and how to be 'fresh faced' and another 'article' on how people are annoyed that lottery tickets are going up in price! I'm reading peoples posts on Facebook some moaning about trivia, some planning this years/ next years holidays some just talking about things in general that make them happy. Me, I can't get excited about 'make up' trends, I'm struggling to cope with chemo induced 'dry/sore' skin. What do I care about lottery ticket price, even if I won the money wouldn't buy me what I want most 'to live'. People don't realise how lucky they are to be oblivious to what the future holds, to be able to make plans months/years ahead, to even be going out to work, to have a life ahead of them! I can't do any of those things, most of all be 'oblivious'. Everyday I am frightened, everyday I feel devastated, everyday I feel angry...why me?? Everyday I still can't believe it. Everyday I have constant reminders that my life is slipping away. Everyday I imagine peoples lives going on without me, I  don't want to die. Everyday...I never ends.

Latest news

Hope everyone is having a great start to the New Year.

Since my last post I have had my 6 monthly CT scan and results. This time I was not so lucky. I have disease progression in the form of a new tumour, only small at the mo 2 cms x 3mm. It means the Iressa is no longer working to full capacity, the cancer has found a way to ignore the good work Iressa has been doing. What does this mean for me? Well we don't know how long I have had this new tumour or how long it has taken to grow to it's current size. I will have another CT scan at beginning of February  this will give us the information we need. In the meantime I continue taking Iressa as it will still be working on some of the cancer. the theory is 'bad brakes are better than NO brakes'!

So what is the plan? Currently it is IV chemo for 4 -6 months, then move to another TK Inhibitor - Tarceva. There is another drug however, Afatinib, which has been designed to take over from Iressa once it has stopped working fully. It is not yet approved by NICE therefore not available on the NHS. It is however being given to patients at Christies (Manchester) via the cancer drugs fund. I have asked to be referred there so i can see if I can get it. Please keep everything crossed for me. If I can I may still have to go down the IV chemo route first or may (hopefully) be able to switch straight over. It's all if's and but's but I live in hope.

On a lighter side my 'craft's' are proving a huge success, I can't keep up with the demand lol ! Well, I'm still working on 'orders',  I also have things in 3 shops, my hairdresser sold out of my Owl key rings in 3 days! I have my Owl and Cat tea cosy's in the Cup Cake shop in town, they sold 8 within 6 working day's! I have loved doing the craft fayre's over the last few months and can't wait to do more. I seriously need to replenish my stock, make more for the shops and put my new idea's into fruition. There just isn't enough hours in the day :))