Paul and I visited the Penny Brohn Cancer Center last week as I thought I need to put myself in the best place I can to cope with IV chemo and the battle ahead of me. As you can imagine most of the stuff I already know, I just needed reminding how important things like diet and exercise are. The new things we 'learned' were meditation and visualisation although I don't think it's really 'me' if it helps I'll give it a go. One new thing I did learn is that it's not just being positive that the real survivors have in common. The people who do 'best' are people who can display the whole range of emotions.
This is one thing I haven't been doing and I have to say it scared me. I feel 'flat' I don't feel that physical pang of excitement, that physical feeling of fear, I don't feel anything. I'm not depressed and am still hopeful but I feel flat. I don't seem to be able to feel any other way, I think it's a way of blocking out all the emotions I can't bear to feel.
With all this in mind I have decided I must talk about the things I don't want to talk about, get these things off my chest. How do I do this without upsetting the people who love me, the people who want me to be strong and keep fighting? I don't know. I thought perhaps should just write it down so here go's.......
I'm watching ITV's 'This Morning' they are talking about this seasons make up trends and how to be 'fresh faced' and another 'article' on how people are annoyed that lottery tickets are going up in price! I'm reading peoples posts on Facebook some moaning about trivia, some planning this years/ next years holidays some just talking about things in general that make them happy. Me, I can't get excited about 'make up' trends, I'm struggling to cope with chemo induced 'dry/sore' skin. What do I care about lottery ticket price, even if I won the money wouldn't buy me what I want most 'to live'. People don't realise how lucky they are to be oblivious to what the future holds, to be able to make plans months/years ahead, to even be going out to work, to have a life ahead of them! I can't do any of those things, most of all be 'oblivious'. Everyday I am frightened, everyday I feel devastated, everyday I feel angry...why me?? Everyday I still can't believe it. Everyday I have constant reminders that my life is slipping away. Everyday I imagine peoples lives going on without me, I don't want to die. Everyday...I never ends.
Talking about your cancer is one of the most important things you can do too. My mother has terminal cancer and although we have our moments we do talk very openly about everything, even if that means tears or anger. I never thought I would take to meditation or visulisation but in all honesty it helps enormously with my stress and anxiety levels. I wish you all the luck in the world in the battle ahead. One of my friends beat it and has been clear for 5 years, she's 45 and the other sadly didn't 46 the difference was definitely mindset and diet. I have everything crossed for you :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Anita, wishing you and your mother all the very best X
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